The Popcorn Paradox
by Red Witch
Summary: Movie night is always a bonding experience. Or an opportunity to drive each other crazy.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to a movie. This is just some weirdness and fun that came into my tiny demented brain. Takes place right after the story Treasure Fever. **

**The Popcorn Paradox **

"Whoo! What a fun day to shop on Rodeo Drive and the malls!" Pam walked in with a lot of bags.

"Looks like you did well," Ray remarked. He was sitting in the living room with Ron, Krieger and Cyril.

"Damn right," Pam grinned as she set the bags down. "What did you guys do today?"

"Went to the track and got stuck in traffic," Cyril said.

"That's our story and we're sticking with it," Krieger nodded. "Boy you really gave Cheryl's credit card a workout."

"Not as much as you would think. The Street is going out of business," Pam said as she sat down on a plush chair. "It's a plus size retailer. I really cleaned up. And got some great outfits and halfway decent cheap jewelry. Then I got some good jewelry at a better store!"

"You bought **all that**?" Ron asked as he looked at the bags.

Pam paused. "Yes. I bought all those things. Let's say that."

"_Seriously?"_ Ron groaned. "You stole half of that load, didn't you?"

Pam shrugged. "More like a quarter. What? It wasn't like the sales girls weren't taking a few things off the rack for themselves."

"I guess it is cheaper than severance pay," Cyril remarked.

"You really shouldn't steal Pam," Ron remarked. "And not just the clothes. I'm also talking about Carol's credit card."

"What did you guys **really do** today?" Pam gave Ron a look.

"Point taken," Ron groaned.

"That bad huh?" Pam chuckled.

"Let's just say my latest experiment made the evening news," Krieger admitted. "But no fatalities!"

"Speaking of news," Pam spoke up. "I just got a hot tip about CJ Nickels. They're now pairing with a used clothing retailer and going to be selling used clothes."

"That store can't even sell **new clothes**," Ray remarked. "How the hell are they going to sell **used ones?**_" _

"They're probably not," Pam shrugged. "Me and the rest of the retail vultures are just waiting for that elephant to die in the desert."

"Let's be honest," Ray admitted. "It's been on borrowed time for years."

"Speaking of which," Ron groaned. "I don't know if you people have noticed, but I'm an old man. And I don't want to waste what little time I have left…"

"Doing nothing!" Pam said. "You're right!"

"I was going to say listen to you people talk," Ron remarked.

"Let's do something fun, tonight," Pam said. "Let's go to a club!"

"Ooh yes!" Ray's eyes lit up.

"Pass," Cyril and Ron said at the same time.

"Okay," Ron said. "I don't want to go because those things are too loud and crazy for me. What's your excuse Cyril?"

"Honestly I don't think I would get into one," Cyril sighed. "I don't exactly have the right look for the club scene."

Krieger thought. "What if I told you guys that I know a club that wasn't that loud, that lets everybody in but at the same time very exclusive? Like only people who know about it can get in?"

"If it's one of those Sewer People things, then no," Cyril said.

"Definitely not," Ray agreed.

"I don't know," Pam said. "I'd be up for it."

"I'm not," Cyril said.

"_Sewer people?"_ Ron asked.

"Don't ask," Ray groaned. "We're not going to a weird sewer club Krieger."

"It's not **that **weird," Krieger grumbled.

"It is," Ray said. "If **you're **involved with it, it's weird."

"Oh, like **you're **one to talk!" Krieger snapped. "You took me to The Snug back in New York! That place wasn't exactly a modicum of decorum."

"You specifically **asked **to go on Trampoline Night!" Ray snapped. "And Geisha Night!"

"Guys we don't have to go out!" Pam realized. "We have a private movie theater in this mansion!"

"We have a **movie theater**?" Cyril asked. "Where?"

"On Sub Floor 2," Pam said. "Right between the candlepin bowling alley and the underground mini vet hospital."

"We also have a **candlepin bowling alley**?" Cyril asked. "This is the first I'm hearing of that!"

"We have a **mini underground vet hospital**?" Krieger gasped. "This is the first I'm hearing of **that!**"

"I guess it makes sense," Cyril said. "I mean Cheryl's aunt was obsessed with cats. I guess for a rich cat lady a mini vet hospital is a must."

"And a primo movie theater," Pam said. "With literally thousands of movies that are in this digital converter thing. I don't know the tech. All I know is that you type of movie you want to see, put in the title. Boom! Instant movie."

"Then that's what we'll do," Ron decided.

"Sounds like a plan!" Ray agreed. "Let's do it!"

"Should we wake up Carol?" Ron asked as they got up.

"Eh she's still passed out," Krieger waved. "I put an IV in her and left some gummy bear covered toast by her bed. She'll be fine."

Not much later…

"I can't believe how nice this is," Ron remarked as he sat in plush seats in a small but luxurious movie theater.

"It's amazing what rich people have in their homes," Ray admitted. "There's even a popcorn machine out front."

Cyril remarked. "I guess when you're rich and old, you might as well have the movie theater come to you."

"I gotta admit," Ron grinned as he leaned back in his seat. "This is living. Ooh, this seat even leans back! Nice!"

"This is a lot more common than you think in mansions," Krieger nodded. "So, what movie do you guys want to watch?"

"What movies do you have?" Ron asked.

"A lot of them," Pam said. "What movie do you want to watch?"

"I don't know," Ron shrugged. "What do you got?"

"I got a lot of movies," Pam said.

"Which ones do you got?" Ron asked.

"Here's the remote," Ray had it. "Let's see how this works…"

"Yeah all you have to do is push that red button in the center and…" Pam then realized something. "Hang on!"

"This one," Ray pushed the button. "Looks like there's already a movie…Sweet Jesus!"

"Hello!" Krieger grinned when he saw what was onscreen.

"Holy Cannoli!" Ron gasped.

"That ain't no cannoli," Krieger quipped.

"Oh right," Pam remembered. "I was kind of watching this porno earlier."

"I thought that seat on the end looked a little sticky," Cyril winced.

"I was eating Chinese food at the time!" Pam snapped. "I didn't masturbate until I got to my room."

"**That's** why our hallway smells like the Golden Dragon," Ray realized.

"Are you honestly telling me that you held off masturbating until you got to your room?" Krieger asked. "You expect us to believe that?"

"You of all people have no right to question or judge me!" Pam snapped. "Mr. Food Rapist!"

"I've seen you to some pretty…" Cyril began. Then he did a double take at the screen. "Hang on…"

"Oh Gunner…" A woman said breathlessly on screen. "You are such a private dick!"

"In more ways than one," Krieger remarked. "Wait a minute…"

"**Gunner?"** Ray blinked. "Hang on. Is it me or does that guy look like Archer?"

"He does!" Cyril said. "And that woman looks almost exactly like Veronica Deane!"

"And isn't that an almost exact recreation of Veronica Deane's dressing room?" Krieger realized. "What the hell Pam?"

"Yeah that's why I started watching it," Pam winced as she took the remote from Ray. "Seems like they did this porno version of the whole Veronica Deane thing. Only…Spoiler alert, the guy playing Archer has a threesome with both Veronica Deane and Lana. Who in this movie is called Lambada Lay. In the pool."

"In other words, Archer gets banged in a completely different way," Krieger remarked. "Damn, Archer would have loved that!"

Cyril did a double take. "Something tells me Archer wouldn't have loved **that!** Is that supposed to be _Mallory?"_

"Yeah…" Pam winced as she shut off the movie. "That part gets rather…Disturbing. Even for me."

Ron looked at the others. "Nobody tells Sterling, Lana or Mallory about this. **Ever!"**

"Agreed," Everyone said as one.

"So, what movie do you want to watch?" Krieger asked.

"What movie do you…?" Ron began.

"Just name a damn movie!" Cyril groaned. "Any damn movie!"

"How about a romantic comedy?" Pam asked.

"How about **not?**" Cyril asked. "A good legal drama always gets me going."

"Phrasing aside, **no!**" Pam said. "I want to laugh at something besides your love life!"

"Science fiction! Science fiction!" Krieger called out.

"Anything with Barbara or Liza is good with me," Ray said.

"Ron what do you want to watch?" Cyril asked.

"Besides my life going down the tubes?" Ron quipped. "I could go for something fun. How about Bringing Up Baby?"

"Oh good," Ray drawled. "A movie about a woman who's exactly like Cheryl but with a larger cat."

"Never mind," Ron winced. "Skip that. How about Gone With The Wind?"

"Fun fact," Pam said. "That story is loosely based on the life of my great grandmother Rebecca Big Red Poovey. Only the plantation was a dairy farm. And Big Red was married a lot more times than Scarlett. And instead of a little girl dying in a horse accident, she had a drunk twenty-five-year-old son riding a bull into a wall."

Cyril suggested. "How about To Kill A Mockingbird?"

"Yeah nothing says toe tapping fun like a movie about racial inequality and racism," Ray remarked. "Plus, that movie is a little too close to home for me. Let's just say I had a few Boo Radleys in my family and leave it at that."

Krieger suggested. "Let's stick to comedies. Or musicals. How about The Music Man?"

Pam looked at Krieger. "Unless you want to get 76 bones broken, no."

"What's wrong with The Music Man?" Ron asked.

"It's almost exactly the same story as my Aunt Marion who was a librarian," Pam said. "Who fell in love with a con artist. Spoiler alert, my Aunt Marion's story had a **very different** **ending**. And it was a lot more violent too."

Cyril asked. "What about Guys and Dolls? You have a problem with **that one**?"

"Actually…" Ron spoke up. "That story reminds me too much of a friend of mine who did get involved with a girl with the Salvation Army. And the mob. Let's just say the craps game at the end had **a very different ending**. And it was a lot more violent too."

"Hello Dolly?" Ray suggested.

"Hello Boredom!" Krieger snapped. "How about Young Frankenstein?"

"Isn't that pronounced Fronk-en-steen?" Ron asked. "And if I want to see that, all I have to do is go to your lab."

"How about Mr. Deeds?" Cyril asked.

"The original or the remake?" Ray asked.

"Why would I want to watch the remake when I can see **the** **original**?" Ron asked.

Pam countered. "Why would I want to watch the original when I can see **the remake**?"

"Okay! Fine!" Cyril sighed. "No remakes. Which cuts a lot of movies out from the pool. I guess seeing A Star Is Born is right out…"

"As well as King Kong," Krieger listed. "Godzilla. Halloween. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And Night of the Living Dead."

"We're talking about comedies Krieger," Cyril said.

"So was I," Krieger blinked.

"Little Women is definitely out too," Pam added. "How many times do they have to reheat that chestnut?"

"Freaky Friday?" Cyril asked.

"At least twice," Ray said. "And a Broadway version."

"Annie?" Cyril suggested.

"That's been made three times," Ray said.

"I also used to listen to the radio show when I was younger," Ron said.

"So Annie is off the table then?" Cyril asked.

"Spider Man?" Krieger asked.

"That gets remade every five years!" Pam snapped. "The Women?"

"That had two remakes," Ray told her.

"Oh right," Pam realized. "Casablanca?"

Krieger asked. "Do pornos count as remakes?"

"Forget that one," Ron said. "How about a Marx Brothers movie? They haven't remade any of those!"

"Okay which one do you want to watch?" Cyril asked.

"A Day at the Races?" Ron suggested. "Followed by Duck Soup?"

"Good enough," Pam nodded as she worked the remote. "Somebody fire up the popcorn machine!"

"Ooh! I got it!" Krieger grinned. He ran up to work the machine.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Ray asked.

"What?" Pam asked.

"Krieger working the popcorn machine?" Ray told her.

"Why would **that** be a bad idea?" Pam asked.

Eleven minutes later…

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Krieger screamed as he rode a huge tidal wave made entirely of popcorn into the theater. "COWABUNGA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Everyone shouted in shock and surprised when they were covered up to their waists in popcorn.

"I may have overdone it," Krieger remarked. He was stuck on his back. You could only see his head, one of his hands and his two feet.

"You **think?"** Ray snapped. "Oh great! Now my new shirt smells like butter!"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Krieger blinked.

"Well we have enough popcorn," Pam grinned. "We can just eat our way out. Just uh, don't eat any around **that chair.** Just to be safe."

Ray ate some. "It is good popcorn."

"This is cashmere!" Cyril moaned as he flicked some popcorn off of his sweater vests. "Thanks a lot Krieger!" He threw some popcorn at him.

Krieger caught one in his mouth. "Tasty!"

Predictably, Pam couldn't resist. "POPCORN FIGHT!" Soon kernels were flying around everywhere.

"Why did I want to watch a Marx Brothers movie?" Ron groaned as popcorn flew around him. "My life has turned into one!"


End file.
